All I Want For Christmas...

This year, all I want for christmas is comfort. Financial, emotional and physical comfort!

Last year, we were struggling so bad, I had to work at walmart during the absolute most brutal time in this walmart's history. My mom was desperately searching for a job, her days consumed by resumes and phone calls. Grandpa's sleepless nights with grandma, it was all too much and we never decorated. Never pulled out the pretty lights or garland, not enough money to purchase food let alone gifts. As a family, we never even imagined hardships like that, yet it became our lives.

This year, I see the forces are on our side. It may not be a perfect situation, but it is definitely better than what we've fought with all year.

Today, we are all going to team up and venture into the unknown, aka the garage, to find our christmas decor. Also, I am attending a webinar addressing performance measure gaps in home and community-based services to support community living at 10 am, my time. Then, sometime today, we are supposed to hear from our care coordinator about my employment verification. Busy, busy bees!

I thought it'd be a good idea to document my goals while I'm in this mindset:

Short Term Goals:

1. Take Care and Wake up: Take care of myself, make appointments, eat better, exercise and enjoy.
2. Burden relief: Once I start getting paid, I can really take some of the burden off my gracious mother, financially and emotionally.
3. Clean and Organized: Start on keeping things tidy and create a habit to keep it that way.
4. Business vs Busyness: Prioritize my time better. I'd love to put my handmade things back on my storevny!
5. Small classes: Look into small classes to take at the workforce training center.

Long Term Goals:

1. Things are better: I've gotten my teeth fixed, I've been to the doctors and I'm all caught up!
2. Business woman: I have pretty pieces of paper that say I can do stuff. Hopefully, its pertaining to my business.
3. I have my license: Because everything has worked out so well, I was stable enough to get my license :)
4. Jackpot: I've won lots of money and I am currently working on the blueprints to my castle!

Haha, I have jokes! But, really, that last one should happen!!

Not too much, not too little. Those things are the heaviest that have been weighing on me for over a year now.

Papa keeps telling me, "Put your big-girl-panties on and do it!" 

Haha, yeah, I'll get right on that as soon as I can afford a pair!

Moving Forward

I guess I can start with this past Tuesday…

My boyfriend took me down to the agency where I had to drop off my application and get a TB test. I was told that I'd be "employed" under them, answer  to them and what not. I'll tell ya, I was not happy about it. The atmosphere was strange, the overwhelming sense of entrapment was almost too much. The doctor that gave me the TB shot was cold and quick, no sense of humor, really. The whole thing was weird anyway.

Thursday, I had to attend the orientation for this agency. The mile high stack of paper work, they had me sign things that I probably shouldn't have signed yet, I felt like I was selling my soul. So, I had to ask "What is the hourly wage here?", the receptionist said "Well, as far as I know, through medicaid its $8 an hour to start. The highest I've heard of is $8.50"…My jaw hit the floor! I said to her "Thats it?! For everything thats required and expected of me through your agency and I only get $8 an hour?! Why?!" she said "Well, private pay generally pays more, but through medicaid, its much lower."

It was verified over and over again that I not only get paid minimum wage for janitorial and care duties, but I will also be micro managed through them. Random and unannounced visits, time sheets and duty checklists….I am just floored. I was under the impression that start pay was $10 an hour, that would've been perfect! So, the awesome lady explained everything about the change in the program that has effected the pay. More people qualify for the program so the money in it is stretched thin. Ok, thats fine, I understand…its what came next that turned my face red and my ears hot…

Lets call her Jay:

Jay: "Because there are more people in the program, a lot of them that have been in the program a long time got hour AND pay cuts. The program changed to allow more families to do what you are doing. BUT, the next change they are going to make is called "Natural Care". Its where family members who stay home with their disabled loved one will no longer get paid to do so because its natural care, its considered a favor more than an obligation."
Me: "Thats bullshit…I'm sorry, but if thats the case, MORE elderly will end BACK up in the nursing homes again!"
Jay:"I know, but their focus has turned to the elderly that don't have family support but want to stay out of a facility. For example, An 85 year old woman who's husband died and no children, she'll need the program more than, lets say, your grandmother. Because your grandmother has "Natural Care", she won't need outside assistance."
Me: "No, She can't HAVE outside assistance, she's been kicked out of so many places, we literally have no choice but to keep her home and care for her ourselves!"
Jay: "Oh, I understand, honey. I personally don't agree with what they are doing, but what do we do about it? Everyone in charge of any government agency is stupid! They don't get it!"
Me: "YES! Thank you! This whole thing, everything that we've been through, no one wants to help us! No one wants to take a challenge, they only want to follow the 'rules' and collect that check!"


Much more conversation was made, but that was one that just…Haunted me. I was so angry. And you know what? There isn't a damn thing I can do. I'm seen as a low class peabrain…then why are all the idiots running my life? Screw this government, our country and society is going down and I will laugh as I watch it fall. The sheep will follow him into the darkness.

UGH! lol will I ever be satisfied, you ask?

NO, no I will not. Utopia doesn't have a place on earth, thats for damn sure!

But, in light of it all, my man stayed with me the whole 4 hours I had  to be there!! What a trooper!
Oh, and I have to tell you this…

The receptionist, lets call her Tammy:

Tammy: "Ok, just go down and have them sign your tb screening and bring it back."
Me: "Thank you, lets hope its negative!"
G-man:"Yeah, I'm sure that rash and fever mean NOTHING"
Tammy: *uncomfortable laugh*
…a few minutes later
Me:"Hear ya go :) "
Tammy:"I'm sorry, we don't accept positive TB results..."

Me:"…….

……You almost got me"









Tammy: "Oh really? That would've been funny…"

LOL, WHAT A WEEK!!

The Day Before

Today is the day before hope is made or hope is lost.

I was ill yesterday, which puts me way behind on everything, all the cleaning and rearranging that has to be done before tomorrow. Most of the mess is my own, from crafting and my sorry ass attempt at organizing lol!!

I'll admit, I'm very nervous! I keep having these flashes of daymares where these people just shoot us down with their brows furrowed. Shame us for ever thinking we were any kind of deserving, like so many have done in the past. Or, they approve us for minimum pay at minimum hours a week with limited resources and they pocket more money because of it. All these horrible scenarios, back to back, grandpa and I keep jumping at these awful possibilities that torture our sleep deprived minds.

With the idea I have in my head of how this will go, I have a better chance of opening a 24 hour daycare in my home! It may not be nearly as bad as my mind ponders it to be, but after everything we've been through, we have learned to expect the worst.

I'm a 'flowers and rainbows' kind of soul, where my initial thought is that of light hearted people that want to give their all and then some. This world is almost too ugly for people like me!

What ever higher power that is watching over us, please see us through great success! My family needs a good deed!

And when this is over and we have what we need, that sigh of relief will be the highlight of my year, the ability to take total care without worry or doubt will be the highlight of this past half decade. The ability to smile a genuine smile will be the highlight of my life.

My forehead is scrunched up into a mess of lines, going this way and that. I need a hug, I need encouragement.

And now, I need to pee! lol

Wish me luck on this whole cleaning thing!

Being Social Creatures

I'm the kind of girl who is afraid of being alone.

I'm sensitive and family oriented, as long as the people are kind. But, when I'm put in an uncomfortable situation, I'm the type to get out of the situation. Going against my nature, I don't want to be social if its constantly negative energy coming back to me. Actually, its easier for me to go in to hiding than it is to mirror that attitude.

Being social creatures, we are always put in harms way, whether we like it or not. People are people and people can be insensitive when its most convenient for them, regardless of how it will impact you on a personal or social level.

Knowing someone for 20 years v.s. knowing someone for less than a single year, who would you be more comfortable around? Knowing most of one person means that its easier for you to handle a confrontation or argument. Less than a year of knowing someone, they are still capable of surprising you with unexpected blows, their words can hurt a different part of you, a part that is unsure of forgiveness.

Males and Females are so very different when it comes to social processing. Sensitive female + Insensitive Male = problems. But what good relationship doesn't have problems?

Talking about my situation, yes, I am going to be careful about my wording, because I care. Sure, I'd love to unload my complaints and express my feelings on MY blog, but God forbid these people find it and read it…I'd be run out of town with Torch and Pitchfork if I said it how it is.

I just can't seem to shake this feeling that I never had a chance. I'm, once again, forced into a situation that I cannot be in. I don't want to, and I can't.

The dangers (yes, DANGERS) of innocently existing in this situation, the confined feeling is overwhelming, the disrespect and disregard…I just don't understand. Haven? Maybe for them, definitely not for me! The broken promises, the anger, frustration…all I can do is sit there…LITERALLY thats all I can do. I'm not a child, nor am I an animal or less than, though thats the way I feel I'm seen.

The simple answer has been there from the beginning, but I care. I love and I'm being indirectly punished for that. Sounds dramatic, but it still hurts all the same.

If you have read this far, Please hear me when I say "Don't mistreat others and don't let them mistreat you. Don't let someone else make you feel bad for being human and having needs. Don't make someone feel bad for expressing themselves. Power trips are for the weak minded, selfishness is for the weak willed, being an asshole only gets you a manager position. Chin up, go for the CEO, be the bigger and better person and walk away."

Its going to be hard for me to walk away, considering the fact that my person isn't just an acquaintance, this person was my everything-good, turning into my everything-hurts.