My feelings via GIF: AHS Coven

Them: 

We just F*cked you up!

Me:

Oh hell no…nuhu! 

Them:

Sit back down, bitch!

Me:

…And everything they've ever loved…

Them:

Oh boy, the circles we've made this year. 

The bullshit we've trudged through.

The liars, cheaters and thieves…

All these little assholes keep testing me. 

As fellow humanoids, they forget what happens when we have nothing left to lose.

Think about that for a second…

If you had nothing, and you were hungry…

what would stop you from getting what you need,

or getting revenge on the person who tried?!

yup.

I need an out

I'm not sure why, but we got a letter in the mail last thursday or so. It said that medicaid dropped maw maw…
How fucking devastating. I'm too tired for this bullshit.
It was a domino effect, one thing right after another.
Smacking our faces before we get a chance to recover from the last blow.

I'm still confused, I have no idea what's going on. But, I've had it. I need an out, I need to breathe…

Then, last night I watched my hero dim with the realization that he can't do half as much as he used to.

Just when I thought I'd disappear, it got worse. Everything got heavier and harder. More and more unbelievable as each day zips by.

Go ahead, zaney, try and disappear now.
Life has a heavy hand on you, so what are you gonna do?
Your feet are cemented to the floor, your wrists shackled and your head swarmed.
Good luck on giving up.
You have no choice.
You have no voice.
You are what you are.
What you are is what I've made of you…
A little bitch.

Sincerely,
           LIFE.

Moving Forward

I guess I can start with this past Tuesday…

My boyfriend took me down to the agency where I had to drop off my application and get a TB test. I was told that I'd be "employed" under them, answer  to them and what not. I'll tell ya, I was not happy about it. The atmosphere was strange, the overwhelming sense of entrapment was almost too much. The doctor that gave me the TB shot was cold and quick, no sense of humor, really. The whole thing was weird anyway.

Thursday, I had to attend the orientation for this agency. The mile high stack of paper work, they had me sign things that I probably shouldn't have signed yet, I felt like I was selling my soul. So, I had to ask "What is the hourly wage here?", the receptionist said "Well, as far as I know, through medicaid its $8 an hour to start. The highest I've heard of is $8.50"…My jaw hit the floor! I said to her "Thats it?! For everything thats required and expected of me through your agency and I only get $8 an hour?! Why?!" she said "Well, private pay generally pays more, but through medicaid, its much lower."

It was verified over and over again that I not only get paid minimum wage for janitorial and care duties, but I will also be micro managed through them. Random and unannounced visits, time sheets and duty checklists….I am just floored. I was under the impression that start pay was $10 an hour, that would've been perfect! So, the awesome lady explained everything about the change in the program that has effected the pay. More people qualify for the program so the money in it is stretched thin. Ok, thats fine, I understand…its what came next that turned my face red and my ears hot…

Lets call her Jay:

Jay: "Because there are more people in the program, a lot of them that have been in the program a long time got hour AND pay cuts. The program changed to allow more families to do what you are doing. BUT, the next change they are going to make is called "Natural Care". Its where family members who stay home with their disabled loved one will no longer get paid to do so because its natural care, its considered a favor more than an obligation."
Me: "Thats bullshit…I'm sorry, but if thats the case, MORE elderly will end BACK up in the nursing homes again!"
Jay:"I know, but their focus has turned to the elderly that don't have family support but want to stay out of a facility. For example, An 85 year old woman who's husband died and no children, she'll need the program more than, lets say, your grandmother. Because your grandmother has "Natural Care", she won't need outside assistance."
Me: "No, She can't HAVE outside assistance, she's been kicked out of so many places, we literally have no choice but to keep her home and care for her ourselves!"
Jay: "Oh, I understand, honey. I personally don't agree with what they are doing, but what do we do about it? Everyone in charge of any government agency is stupid! They don't get it!"
Me: "YES! Thank you! This whole thing, everything that we've been through, no one wants to help us! No one wants to take a challenge, they only want to follow the 'rules' and collect that check!"


Much more conversation was made, but that was one that just…Haunted me. I was so angry. And you know what? There isn't a damn thing I can do. I'm seen as a low class peabrain…then why are all the idiots running my life? Screw this government, our country and society is going down and I will laugh as I watch it fall. The sheep will follow him into the darkness.

UGH! lol will I ever be satisfied, you ask?

NO, no I will not. Utopia doesn't have a place on earth, thats for damn sure!

But, in light of it all, my man stayed with me the whole 4 hours I had  to be there!! What a trooper!
Oh, and I have to tell you this…

The receptionist, lets call her Tammy:

Tammy: "Ok, just go down and have them sign your tb screening and bring it back."
Me: "Thank you, lets hope its negative!"
G-man:"Yeah, I'm sure that rash and fever mean NOTHING"
Tammy: *uncomfortable laugh*
…a few minutes later
Me:"Hear ya go :) "
Tammy:"I'm sorry, we don't accept positive TB results..."

Me:"…….

……You almost got me"









Tammy: "Oh really? That would've been funny…"

LOL, WHAT A WEEK!!

Careless Much?!

This Morning, grandpa got a return call from PACE regarding his experience with the hospital they sent his wife to. Of course, I had to eavesdrop while he had the conversation on speaker. This woman acted very unprofessional, instead of doing the proper thing and caring for the caregiver, she defended the hospital. What she SHOULD have done is looked into the problem on the hospital's end, not bully the person who had the negative experience. THEN, she explained how she "doesn't think your wife needs respite care because she's not at the end of her life", she did not even hear my grandfather out on this. He specifically told her that he NEEDS the in-home care that PACE does not provide, once again, head-butting the caregiver instead of having a reasonable answer. She insisted that he drop grandma off at the same hospital that gave her 100% polyester sheets when he explained she need cotton, she's allergic to polyester. The same place that neglected to see her attack other patients and NOT step in. The same hospital that DID NOT check on her after dropping her food off, or to see if she needed to use the restroom. HOW DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?! How could this woman NOT look in to this?

Now, my grandfather no long feels comfortable taking grandma anywhere! Thanks lady. In my last post I explained how I cannot go on like this…that feeling just got worse. If she would've just comforted grandpa a bit, say something like "I will have a talk with the head of geriatrics and I will send one of my people to monitor the care given to you wife during her stay". THAT WOULD'VE BEEN GREAT! Why couldn't you have just said something like that?!!! What would have been so bad about reassuring someone like that?????? I really thought this program would at least ATTEMPT to live up to their logo, their reassurance that they "Can give you peace of mind" and "Care for the caregiver", or just "CARE", that word is tossed around the lips and the text of the entire program, could you at least try? Or bullshit it to give us false hopes? no, just one big kick in the teeth. My heart hurts, this sucks.

Looking up so soon?!

Ah, indeed! My life seems to be turning around for the better. Slowly, but surely, this ball is starting roll and my weight seems to lift more and more each day.

I have been so exhausted from working 3rd shift and juggling home life, but the good news is that my mother has found a wonderful job with excellent benefits, my grandfather has finally been approved for his retirement checks in turn, making an open door to furthering my grandmother's aid. The forces surrounding me now have blessed me and mine with relief and produces a light at the end of this long, dark tunnel that felt as if it'd never end.

I couldn't be more grateful that life is looking peaceful and happy at this point. I'd kiss the ground if I was certain it'd be enough proof of appreciation!

Now, I wait for that SIGH of relief :)

Chaos, Pain and Wonder

I am Zaney and I live in chaotic world that most 21 year olds should never know. I am goth, I live at home with my mother and grandparents. My grandmother suffers from alzheimer's, every day is a constant struggle and a worry fest that my life will never recover from this ordeal.

I recently broke it off with a man I'd been with for over 5 years, young love only lasts so long. The main reason we split was his inability to cope/deal with our living status with my family. Too broke to live on our own and too immature to save a penny, we suffered as a couple, we bickered and fought over stupid things. The day he expressed to me that he wasn't happy was the day I woke up in my own hell...reality.

I, since, found a young man that has proven to be man indeed and I couldn't be more blessed in that aspect.

On the other side of things, my grandmother's alzheimer's has become the center of all our problems. Grandpa was forced to retire, and him being the soul provider of the household, this isn't good. My mother can't find a job, so its up to me now. I work night stock at walmart. Paying into the house only $800 a month will not cut it, but our options are extremely limited. My grandfather has a sense of denial when it comes down to dealing with my grandmother's disease. He swears that she might someday wake up and he wants her to be here with him when she does. Professionals have explained in full that his fantasy will never become reality because they know so little about this disease, they cannot do much but sedate her with medications.

Being a 21 year old female, I never thought that my life would end so suddenly. My boyfriend is brave enough to enter this house with confidence, even against my better wishes. He's offered to share his apartment with me, he's offered to move into the house to help pay the bills. Everything this man has set out on the table, I feel guilty even considering. No one understands how badly I want to leave this situation, how badly I just want to run, how badly I want this to end. If I left now, my family would crumble where they sit. If I stay, I may end up needing a bit more than professional help. I've made the phone calls and I've pleaded with many, we just need help. But, as I sit here now, 2 years of back and forth, 2 years of dead ends and endless doctor bills, 2 years of wondering and crying, we still sit here helpless and tired. My grandmother is not on any medication, my grandfather thinks its a bad idea. While this disease eats her up inside, she's tortured by hallucinations, delusions, mental agony and a constant home sickness, and no medication to relieve the pain. In every way, this is torture for everyone, but my grandpa doesn't get it! I know its his wife, but she needs help and he isn't helping her by keeping her here, unmedicated.

A program called PACE has offered their help recently, but its like a half-assed daycare. Whether the program is extremely unfunded or too new to do much more, it seems like a good idea run by a slacker, in my opinion. Grandma does not need a "Daycare" she needs CONSTANT care, PROFESSIONAL care, people who know more about this than we do. I am not OK, my mother is not OK, my grandfather is NOT OK, and my poor grandmother will never be OK. I could reach out and fall flat in every direction. I work, I come home to eat and sleep then go right back to work. No outlet, No relief from this chamber. This morning I had to hide my boyfriend while I fought to get my grandmother's shirt back on her. My grandpa is tired of dealing with it, but won't put her in a facility or medicate her, he's tired and I'm sick and tired! Literally, I've been physically ill for months now, but our low funds, lack of insurance and worry keep me (the only working person) from seeking help. I know not what is to come, but whatever it is needs to hurry. NO ONE should ever go through what we do, everyday. I would never wish this on anyone.

We need help. I need help.