Chaos, Pain and Wonder

I am Zaney and I live in chaotic world that most 21 year olds should never know. I am goth, I live at home with my mother and grandparents. My grandmother suffers from alzheimer's, every day is a constant struggle and a worry fest that my life will never recover from this ordeal.

I recently broke it off with a man I'd been with for over 5 years, young love only lasts so long. The main reason we split was his inability to cope/deal with our living status with my family. Too broke to live on our own and too immature to save a penny, we suffered as a couple, we bickered and fought over stupid things. The day he expressed to me that he wasn't happy was the day I woke up in my own hell...reality.

I, since, found a young man that has proven to be man indeed and I couldn't be more blessed in that aspect.

On the other side of things, my grandmother's alzheimer's has become the center of all our problems. Grandpa was forced to retire, and him being the soul provider of the household, this isn't good. My mother can't find a job, so its up to me now. I work night stock at walmart. Paying into the house only $800 a month will not cut it, but our options are extremely limited. My grandfather has a sense of denial when it comes down to dealing with my grandmother's disease. He swears that she might someday wake up and he wants her to be here with him when she does. Professionals have explained in full that his fantasy will never become reality because they know so little about this disease, they cannot do much but sedate her with medications.

Being a 21 year old female, I never thought that my life would end so suddenly. My boyfriend is brave enough to enter this house with confidence, even against my better wishes. He's offered to share his apartment with me, he's offered to move into the house to help pay the bills. Everything this man has set out on the table, I feel guilty even considering. No one understands how badly I want to leave this situation, how badly I just want to run, how badly I want this to end. If I left now, my family would crumble where they sit. If I stay, I may end up needing a bit more than professional help. I've made the phone calls and I've pleaded with many, we just need help. But, as I sit here now, 2 years of back and forth, 2 years of dead ends and endless doctor bills, 2 years of wondering and crying, we still sit here helpless and tired. My grandmother is not on any medication, my grandfather thinks its a bad idea. While this disease eats her up inside, she's tortured by hallucinations, delusions, mental agony and a constant home sickness, and no medication to relieve the pain. In every way, this is torture for everyone, but my grandpa doesn't get it! I know its his wife, but she needs help and he isn't helping her by keeping her here, unmedicated.

A program called PACE has offered their help recently, but its like a half-assed daycare. Whether the program is extremely unfunded or too new to do much more, it seems like a good idea run by a slacker, in my opinion. Grandma does not need a "Daycare" she needs CONSTANT care, PROFESSIONAL care, people who know more about this than we do. I am not OK, my mother is not OK, my grandfather is NOT OK, and my poor grandmother will never be OK. I could reach out and fall flat in every direction. I work, I come home to eat and sleep then go right back to work. No outlet, No relief from this chamber. This morning I had to hide my boyfriend while I fought to get my grandmother's shirt back on her. My grandpa is tired of dealing with it, but won't put her in a facility or medicate her, he's tired and I'm sick and tired! Literally, I've been physically ill for months now, but our low funds, lack of insurance and worry keep me (the only working person) from seeking help. I know not what is to come, but whatever it is needs to hurry. NO ONE should ever go through what we do, everyday. I would never wish this on anyone.

We need help. I need help.