Merry Christmas, LOL

Of course the stupid is going to continue! Its the holidays and other people do not matter, right?!

After all of this bullshit with the program and the back and forth about why grams was dropped all of the sudden…we find out! Our trusty fucking MCO hasn't turned in the evaluation papers!!! Bitch, that whole thing happened like 2 months ago, WHERE YOU AT?!

Of course, because of her, I get dropped from the agency and grams does not get the help she needs, financially or care wise (as far as outside care). But, this puts an even bigger damper on things, ok…Now, I need to get a job, and still try to do what I've been doing, ya know, the whole everyday process takes about 12-14 hours! Yeah, Thanks ya dumb bitch, not only have you fucked our family holiday, now this HUGE household has to suffer for another YEAR!!!. You were probably too caught up in your christmas bonus and holiday VACATION! Oh, but as loong as you get what you want, ALL IS WELL, RIGHT?!
Damn you, woman!

I'm angry, I keep typing really messed up crap and deleting it. I'll read back over my little paragraph then offend myself LOL

Yep, dat bitch doe. This woman does not understand who and what she is dealing with, I am crazy from all this nonsense!! I am so done, I'd rather smash her car into a pancake and donate her cat to science than hear her voice again. No lie.

Other than that shiße, I hope everyone else in the world has an awesome christmas. Maybe, this new year will be 100x better.

 HUGS!!!

p.s. This also means that I get one check, one tiny little check from the agency and then I'm out. So, no tutorials, no crafts, no extras. Nothing extra, really. And I need a bra sooo bad! grams stretched my only good bra to the point of no return, ya know when the elastic is literally pouring out of the straps, I can put my finger through the band and everything. Yep. No bra, no undies, no socks, no NOTHING!

I have to try really hard

I have to try my hardest, all my will power and all of my energy to keep my cool.

When someone uses their mouth to dig a deep hole, how do they not see how difficult it is in the first place?! Think about it, even though you can dig a hole deep enough to stand in with your mouth, was it ever going to be worth it in the end?
If you insist that you DID, in fact, think before you spoke, did consequences not fit into your equation? Even the most important people in your life can say something to hurt you, even if they didn't mean it to. But, if it were obvious that they didn't care how it would effect you…wouldn't that just make everything 10x worse?

Thats where I am, right now.

I don't want to look at him, I don't want to hear his voice. I just want to let him sleep  as long as he will while I try to NOT hate him.


This is my life, this is my wonderful family, my accepting family. Most of all, my forgiving family. If you can, comfortably, point out everyone's flaws at any given moment, that leads me to think that you are incapable of being a free thinker, a smart soul, a lover or husband material. Thats ugly, to just sit back a rattle off whats wrong with everyone else just because you feel inferior. Thats bullying and I will not tolerate it in my life. Its hateful and unwelcome. I've tried and tried again to meet you in the middle on some of these things, but something gets so deep into your head, its like you can't see past your own damn nose all of the sudden. Your ego has snipped at the ties that bind us, that THING that keeps tearing you down has gotten between us somehow. I'm angry, I'm hurt and most of all, I can't even fathom speaking to you right now. Even though, our fight happened last night, I'm still upset…this isn't like me.

I've said it before, I'm not strong enough to deal with this. I don't have it in me to fight for something I don't want. I'm tired of being sideswiped like this, your sudden bursts of psycho babble and personal attacks, they come out of no where and I cannot do this to myself.

Sure, you'll see that I'm upset and then you promise to never do it again, but I know better. I even voiced the fact that I'm not looking forward to the next time, but I fully expect it.

The shame has been put on me, once again.

I'm the fool.

Give Me Friends

The many times that I've tried making local friends, it has always been epic fail after epic fail.

One main issue hasn't even been the issue I had originally imagined…
I thought that It'd be grandma, my messy house or my lack of social skills…
Nope, it's always the people! Their lack of personality or their obsessive behaviors that drive me away.

The point, I need a friend. New Mexico is not the place to make them, apparently!

My grandpa makes more friends than I do. Maybe I'm too picky, or too judgmental.

Or, maybe, my bf is right and New Mexico peeps kinda suck!

In Michigan, I had my tight group of friends, I miss them so much…
They put up with me and grandma. They were so patient and wild at the same time. I need them in my life.

I especially need a friend right now. Things have gotten so ridiculous! I...just…can't!

My feelings via GIF: AHS Coven

Them: 

We just F*cked you up!

Me:

Oh hell no…nuhu! 

Them:

Sit back down, bitch!

Me:

…And everything they've ever loved…

Them:

Oh boy, the circles we've made this year. 

The bullshit we've trudged through.

The liars, cheaters and thieves…

All these little assholes keep testing me. 

As fellow humanoids, they forget what happens when we have nothing left to lose.

Think about that for a second…

If you had nothing, and you were hungry…

what would stop you from getting what you need,

or getting revenge on the person who tried?!

yup.

I need an out

I'm not sure why, but we got a letter in the mail last thursday or so. It said that medicaid dropped maw maw…
How fucking devastating. I'm too tired for this bullshit.
It was a domino effect, one thing right after another.
Smacking our faces before we get a chance to recover from the last blow.

I'm still confused, I have no idea what's going on. But, I've had it. I need an out, I need to breathe…

Then, last night I watched my hero dim with the realization that he can't do half as much as he used to.

Just when I thought I'd disappear, it got worse. Everything got heavier and harder. More and more unbelievable as each day zips by.

Go ahead, zaney, try and disappear now.
Life has a heavy hand on you, so what are you gonna do?
Your feet are cemented to the floor, your wrists shackled and your head swarmed.
Good luck on giving up.
You have no choice.
You have no voice.
You are what you are.
What you are is what I've made of you…
A little bitch.

Sincerely,
           LIFE.

All I Want For Christmas...

This year, all I want for christmas is comfort. Financial, emotional and physical comfort!

Last year, we were struggling so bad, I had to work at walmart during the absolute most brutal time in this walmart's history. My mom was desperately searching for a job, her days consumed by resumes and phone calls. Grandpa's sleepless nights with grandma, it was all too much and we never decorated. Never pulled out the pretty lights or garland, not enough money to purchase food let alone gifts. As a family, we never even imagined hardships like that, yet it became our lives.

This year, I see the forces are on our side. It may not be a perfect situation, but it is definitely better than what we've fought with all year.

Today, we are all going to team up and venture into the unknown, aka the garage, to find our christmas decor. Also, I am attending a webinar addressing performance measure gaps in home and community-based services to support community living at 10 am, my time. Then, sometime today, we are supposed to hear from our care coordinator about my employment verification. Busy, busy bees!

I thought it'd be a good idea to document my goals while I'm in this mindset:

Short Term Goals:

1. Take Care and Wake up: Take care of myself, make appointments, eat better, exercise and enjoy.
2. Burden relief: Once I start getting paid, I can really take some of the burden off my gracious mother, financially and emotionally.
3. Clean and Organized: Start on keeping things tidy and create a habit to keep it that way.
4. Business vs Busyness: Prioritize my time better. I'd love to put my handmade things back on my storevny!
5. Small classes: Look into small classes to take at the workforce training center.

Long Term Goals:

1. Things are better: I've gotten my teeth fixed, I've been to the doctors and I'm all caught up!
2. Business woman: I have pretty pieces of paper that say I can do stuff. Hopefully, its pertaining to my business.
3. I have my license: Because everything has worked out so well, I was stable enough to get my license :)
4. Jackpot: I've won lots of money and I am currently working on the blueprints to my castle!

Haha, I have jokes! But, really, that last one should happen!!

Not too much, not too little. Those things are the heaviest that have been weighing on me for over a year now.

Papa keeps telling me, "Put your big-girl-panties on and do it!" 

Haha, yeah, I'll get right on that as soon as I can afford a pair!

Whiney Little Whiner

Thanksgiving came and went and I never heard a word about my "employment".

I have so many questions already:

• when do I start my time sheets?
• how many hours am I officially approved?
• when will we get bed pads and necessities? 
• how long do we have to wait to find these things out?

Grams is extra mean today. I already have a fricken bruise on my right boob which she has been obsessed with hitting and pinching all week! I need so many things for personal care and comfort. My, what a great way to start the holidays, hairy legs, ripped underwears (almost unwearable), stinky broken shoes, no deodorant, miss match socks and sad faces due to the lack of christmas presents. Well, that last one was supposed to be funny, but its not. Its ridiculous that they've made this so difficult.

I'm trying to keep my chin up. My mom has been trying to cheer me up, she bought me a few things to help me keep my mind off of this, but I just feel bad for her spending what little bit she has on me. 

Wha-wha, hear me whine. I'm doubting myself right now, I have got to sit up straight and wipe this look off my face. I'm better than this sulking crap.

I'm gonna go play with my year old shrinky dink sheets, mom bought me some markers :)

P.S. I used to be happy…

I'll keep looking at these until I find myself again. Oh boy I cannot wait to feel like me <3