I have to try really hard

I have to try my hardest, all my will power and all of my energy to keep my cool.

When someone uses their mouth to dig a deep hole, how do they not see how difficult it is in the first place?! Think about it, even though you can dig a hole deep enough to stand in with your mouth, was it ever going to be worth it in the end?
If you insist that you DID, in fact, think before you spoke, did consequences not fit into your equation? Even the most important people in your life can say something to hurt you, even if they didn't mean it to. But, if it were obvious that they didn't care how it would effect you…wouldn't that just make everything 10x worse?

Thats where I am, right now.

I don't want to look at him, I don't want to hear his voice. I just want to let him sleep  as long as he will while I try to NOT hate him.


This is my life, this is my wonderful family, my accepting family. Most of all, my forgiving family. If you can, comfortably, point out everyone's flaws at any given moment, that leads me to think that you are incapable of being a free thinker, a smart soul, a lover or husband material. Thats ugly, to just sit back a rattle off whats wrong with everyone else just because you feel inferior. Thats bullying and I will not tolerate it in my life. Its hateful and unwelcome. I've tried and tried again to meet you in the middle on some of these things, but something gets so deep into your head, its like you can't see past your own damn nose all of the sudden. Your ego has snipped at the ties that bind us, that THING that keeps tearing you down has gotten between us somehow. I'm angry, I'm hurt and most of all, I can't even fathom speaking to you right now. Even though, our fight happened last night, I'm still upset…this isn't like me.

I've said it before, I'm not strong enough to deal with this. I don't have it in me to fight for something I don't want. I'm tired of being sideswiped like this, your sudden bursts of psycho babble and personal attacks, they come out of no where and I cannot do this to myself.

Sure, you'll see that I'm upset and then you promise to never do it again, but I know better. I even voiced the fact that I'm not looking forward to the next time, but I fully expect it.

The shame has been put on me, once again.

I'm the fool.