Update *explicit* Change of Plans

I don't know what I am more angry about…

1. How long we've suffered with NO outside help
2. How much of my life i have given up and will never get back
3. The extreme disrespect and indecency we've received from this "company"
4. The ridiculous level of ignorance these people have
5. Or the fact that these "CARE" organizations have zero fucks to give

So, the program we WERE with for almost a year, not only ignored our calls on purpose, but they also kicked grams out of the facility and refused to allow her back. The only things they accomplished, really, were "Here, give her these pills. If those don't work, try these and we'll up her dose!". A cpap, that should have been an easy process…it was not. And a wheel chair that took them 3 months to deliver but only days to pick back up and TAKE from us after our letter of resignation! Oh, and a nasty attitude about our reasons…OH AAND they want the cpap back too!! 

So, wait! You ass faces got $3,000 a month for doing absolutely nothing for my grandmother, but some  how you think you have the right to take away her BREATHING MACHINE?! Bitch, I thought it was insane that you took the wheel chair, with the money you were getting for her, I COULD'VE BOUGHT 20 FUCKING WHEEL CHAIRS THIS YEAR!!!! You bastards did NOTHING for her! You constantly ignored our pleas and cries for help, you shrug your shoulders when we DO see you. 

I recall a "MEETING" the little weasel bastard that runs the place, insisted on having with my grandfather. Firstly, pops only nicely expressed his concern with the lack of everything from them, weasel there thought it'd be a perfect idea for pops to come alone…NOPE, I brought grams too. Oh, boy, they didn't like that! But they all still felt comfortable beating my pops up about not heavily medicating his own wife so that she'd be "less of a hassle" so we wouldn't neeeed so much assistance. They ALL took turns talking to my grandfather like he was too slow to understand that they "Can't do what he is asking for, we only provide 4 hours a day that include shower and cleaning". My grandfather continued to press "We only need someone to watch her so we all can have a moment of relief, thats all I'm asking for. Instead of a shower, can't you just have someone sit with her? Talk to her for an hour?" Their response "No, thats not what we do. Plus, she's violent, we can't send anyone to your house anyway". Ah, out pops the truth, avoidance. "Then point us in the direction to someone who CAN help us with our needs." They respond with "We've already made it very clear, we offer…" blah blah blah, wasting our precious time repeating themselves about the same dumb ass shit, I'm sure too many poor souls have heard a million times.

All in all, this place only seeks a quick buck. Easy money. I really wonder how many desperate and confused families they've scammed. How many people are stuck where we were for a year. 

I am going to be 23 in march. I've been doing this whole thing for 3 years…almost 4, considering when it all really started. 

I refused school, minimum wage jobs, hobbies, friends…all so that I can try and help my family. I'd do it for another 22 years, if I had the strength and the funds…But, sadly, I don't. 

I thought about how nice it would've been to just not be here anymore. No more social obligations, no more 3 am screaming, no more odor wafting through my personal area. No more suffering. What does the other side hold for me, oh, is it an eternal sleep? I did NOT want to press on. I didn't want to leave my family, but this is too draining. When we can't make our bills, we're all split up between trying to make money and caring for grams, I felt more like a burden than a helper. "I eat too much" I'd tell myself. The depression started rising around my soul, that thick and dark muck that sucks you in…it started reaching my neck…

I had wished, with my last ounce of hope that something just save us. Pops made so many phone calls, I sat with him as they all sent him through mazed, circles and hoops.

On our way home from a strange doctor's office, we all laughed as we realized "We've been to the top doctors and Neuropsychologists all the way down to the slums of abq trying to find someone that had some kind of answer to our problem…and nothing!" We were laughing, but it wasn't funny. We were exhausted! Pops said "If we just had some help, ya know? That way, we can take the advice from people who care and make some 'me' time for all of us!" I smiled and said "No, if our financial situation was stable and I knew for a fact that we are OK in that aspect, I wouldn't be so depressed. Then I could have the energy to help with grams." He looked worried "You're depressed because of financial? Why?!" I said "I feel like I should be helping more, doing more, working more and trying harder because what I am doing is never going to be enough and that weighs on me more than anything."

A few minutes of quiet, papa's phone rings... 

Somehow, somewhere, all these phone calls and all these people. All the messages he left, finally someone heard him. 

"Hi [……], I'm calling to let you know that we are working on getting a care coordinator out to assess your situation and get you the help you need. The message you left was very concerning and I wanted to let you know before the day is over that we hear you and we want to help."

Oh, God, the chills I had…Its Friday, after hours, its like 5 pm and this lady called! Now, mind you, we've heard these same words from SO many people that never called back, but this lady was from grams insurance company! Then, the lady in charge of the care coordinator called around 6:30 pm on a friday to let us know that she will be sending someone out as fast as possible. To me, thats just unreal. The timing was quite impeccable too!

To wrap up this roller coaster of just 2 weeks, its 10 pm on sunday night, and for the first time in a long time I have the living room to myself. Its spooky how quiet relief can be.

Of course, there will be an update…this story ain't over 'til I'm dead!!

To anyone reading this that has or is going through something like this, don't give up! Make phone calls, cry about it to anyone that has ears! Believe me, someone WILL hear you!

Heres to hopes and dreams. Thank you for reading <3